Queen of the Leaf
by SeductiveNoodleBot
Summary: What do you get when you throw a blonde with super-strength, a demon, a dream, and an unholy amount of push-ups together? You get Naruko Uzumaki, Badass of Konoha. Contains swearing and some crack.


As far as living situations went, Konoha was fairly well. Decent housing, the people weren't the worst, and taxes didn't totally suck. The scenery wasn't even half bad. However if you were blonde, had whisker marks, and killer sense of humor, Konoha was inspirationally terrible. Now this could drive one towards innumerable unhealthy coping mechanisms like drinking, perhaps even homicide, a newfound envy of the dead, maybe politics, or in, what is decidedly the worst case scenario, interpretive dance.

Once again, if you were blonde, had whisker marks, equipped with biceps mightier than Gai's eyebrows, and a totally bitching sense of humor, exemptions tend to apply.

Sarutobi found this out the hard way. Or the easy way. It really depended on whether the observer had eyes.

For the Hokage monument in all it's glory, was covered in a dangerous, almost poetic mixture of slanderous comments and obscene swearing.

He propped his elbows on his desk and placed his forehead in his palms. For the love of all that was sane, all he wanted was to hand over his position, and grow old in comfort. Or grow old _er_ in comfort. Was that too much to ask? Apparently. Whatever. Not for the first time, he considered putting something that was...not _exactly_ tobacco in his pipe.

"Lord Hokage! The Uzumaki has defaced the monument!"

"YES! Yes. Yes, yes, I know that, I can _see_ that. Find me Iruka and ah...bring me a herbologist." He sighed heavily.

"Done. Which herbologist?"

"...The sketchy looking one in the shady looking part of shifty town. Let no one know of this task."

* * *

The villagers were rioting in front of the mountain.

"WHATCHA GONNA DO SUCKERS?" the girl yelled. She wore burnt orange cargo pants, a series of arm bands, a black sports tank with the Uzumaki spiral on the back, a hairband holding back her blonde hair, and of course, her goggles.

"BRING IT ON YOU LITTLE BASTARDS, I _LIVE_ FOR THIS." she cackled madly. The attention she got was her reward, though she could do with a little less pitchforks. It was all good fun. Until she caught a glint of light on...a forehead protector. A forehead protector on Iruka. The forehead protector that belonged specifically to Iruka. Iruka's forehead protector.

"Well shit. Gotta blast." Deciding that recovering her climbing gear would be inefficient, like any other sane person, she _cut the rope that was suspending her off the side of a mountain._

' _Well this is gonna hurt like a bitch.'_ were her last thoughts as she landed in a unflattering heap. She stumbled briefly, attempting to ground herself like a newborn horse.

"That sucked _so much_ but _damn_ I'm awesome." She mumbled while walking over to a nearby puddle, and flexing at herself.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Oh no. That voice...at that volume. It could only belong to-

"Yo! Iruka-sensei! Pretty cool to be running into you in...here…wherever here is...shit where the hell am I?"

"I'll tell you where you're not: IN CLASS." grabbing her by the ear, he began dragging her to the academy "Come on you idiot."

"OW. Get that arm off me before you lose it!"

"Oh so a three-story freefall is okay but a pinched ear is too much for the almighty Naruko?" the academy teacher deadpanned.

"Okay, okay, no need to be an ass about it!" she replied, swatting at his arm wildly.

"Watch your mouth young lady!" Internally, he sighed deeply. On one hand, he'd be _delighted_ if she acted just a tad more like the girls in her class. On the other, all her classmates were overwhelmingly garbage.

"I can't! It's on my face!" she grumbled something about tight-asses which Iruka definitely heard, but didn't bother to make her repeat.

No, she'd enjoy that _far_ too much, the man thought as he walked into the classroom.

"ATTENTION CLASS. You brats have a practice test today, all thanks to our idiot blonde."

"I didn't do anything this time!" The Yamanaka heiress whined.

"...No, Ino. I was...I was talking about Naruko." It was a great testament to his willpower, that his palm did not make contact with his forehead. Iruka was a man who prided himself on his abilities as a teacher. He believed that mutual respect with his students would benefit both parties involved.

...Thankfully, Naruko held no such restriction.

"God DAMN girl, I've never seen someone roast _themselves_ that badly before!"

"NARUKO! CAN YOU PAY ATTENTION FOR 3 MINUTES?"

"Of course, of course, sorry Iruka-sensei, you have my undivided- hey is that a butterfly? I _love_ butterflies!"

Iruka groaned. The sound of a broken man. It was music to her ears, really

"Whatever. Line up and perform the henge one at a time, turn into me, blah blah, you know the drill."

When it came to Naruko's turn Iruka firmly believed that he would be prepared for anything.

"HENGE!"...anything except this.

In a poof of smoke, stood Hashirama Senju, stark naked. With only very little smoke covering the important bits.

"Hey, doll."

"NARUKO WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU."

Sasuke nearly had 3 strokes.

"What, love'em or hate'em, you can't deny that man is _fiiine_ -" she turned back into herself, flashing her toothiest grin.

"YOUR GRADUATION IS TOMORROW AND YOU WASTE YOUR TIME ON STUPID TRICKS?"

"Hey it ain't stupid. Tell me how many people would expect to fight the first Hokage gone wild?"

"That isn't the point!" his head nearly combusted. "Class, except for Naruko, who has a _mountain to clean_ for detention, is dismissed." he added with a glare. The Uzumaki had the decency to look sheepish.

"I really don't understand you, Naruko." he commented as she scrubbed "Hashirama stuck a tree up my butt" off the second Hokage's forehead.

"Who said I fucking wanted you to?"

"Language!" He berated her once more. He'd lost count of how many times he's had to say that just in the day. Than another thought occurred to him. "Of all places, why deface the Hokage monument?"

"Cause I'm gonna be better than'em. All of'em." she replied without a moment of hesitation.

"Figures. Hey, when you're done, I'll buy you some ramen." He offered, probably to his impending regret.

"Oh HELL YEAH. This damn mouNTAIN IS MY BITCH!" she cried.

"LANGU- oh why do I bother."

20 minutes later, all Hokages were spotless.

"And that, is the power of ramen. Bitch." She muttered to herself, over a very full stomach. And Iruka's broken wallet.

"Thanks for the meal Iruka-sensei! I got training to do, so bye!" The abnormally large girl said, giving him an impulsive kiss on the cheek.

The gesture shocked him. Placing a hand to his cheek, he muttered "What the fuck was that about?" closely followed by "DAMMIT. LANGUAGE IRUKA."

* * *

"Naruko, you failed."

"Iruka, maybe you could let her pass? She did produce a clone, even if it was a bit...not the greatest. I'm not too good with clones either, to be honest." The blonde perked up for a moment.

"The answer is no." He stated finally. "Every student must form 3, passable clones. I couldn't pass her as much as I want to."

"Okay but moving onto the shit that actually matters: Did I fail with _style?_ " Naruko asked.

"...What?"

"Uh oh."

Feather bombs, firecrackers, multi-coloured smoke, along with everything else under the sun that met the criteria of "annoying and explosive" cascaded upon the classroom.

"My….mY CLASSROOM." Iruka shouted, almost tearing up. Though this may have been a side effect of the smoke.

Naruko used the chaos of the moment to escape.

* * *

"Stupid. fUCKING. CLONES." Naruko yelled, viciously punching the cavern wall. Her knuckles were bloodied, bearing resemblance to a well used chew-toy.

The cavern itself was created entirely by her repeated and relentless punches. It had become one of her favourite boltholes, mainly because no one knew the damn thing existed. Save for probably the old man.

"I swear on my life, I will surpass all of them. Even if it kills me. Nah fuck that, _especially_ if it kills me." the blonde glared at the Hokage monument, under the last of the evening sun.

Dejectedly, she walked to pretty much the only place in the village that didn't suck: Ichiraku Ramen.

"So did you graduate?" Ayame asked with a grin. Well that stung.

"Yeaaah no. I screwed up my clones again. It's always the damn clones." the blond responded while playing with her ramen idly.

"Well, if you decide not to become a shinobi, we could always use an extra hand over here!" the older girl offered with a warm smile.

"I'd probably scare all your customers off. They just can't handle this." she grinned, pumping her biceps. It was half hearted, but at least it made Ayame laugh. Maybe she would become a comedian. A really buff, slightly (very) aggressive comedian who can punch through walls.

"Hey, who's that?" The ramen vendor pointed to a white haired man approaching.

"That's...Mizuki-sensei. Probably come to rub it in. Great." she got off her seat to talk to the alabaster chunin.

"Yo."

"Hey Naruko. How are you holding up?" he offered a sympathetic smile.

"Oh, you know me, I'm just _rearing_ to go kick some _serious_ ass. Specifically Iruka's."

"Yeah, he was a bit hard on you today. You know he's only that way because he cares about you right?" the sympathetic smile was getting more...pathetic. And Naruko was getting annoyed.

"I guess. He sure has a funny way of showing it." she grumbled.

"What if I told you there might be another way to graduate?" the chunin now grinned.

"...I'd say you're fucking nuts. But that's okay. I could use some nuttiness in my life." she matched his grin full force.

"Okay so here's what you have to do…"

With every word he spoke in her ear, the blonde's smile grew wider. Was it a bad idea? Almost definitely. Could only she, the self proclaimed boss-ass bitch of the Village Hidden in the Leaves pull it off? Absolutely.

"Thanks for the ramen Ayame!"

Later that night, Naruko snuck into the Hokage's office, not even being noticed by the ANBU.

"Alright so, where are you bigass scroll? Mummy's here for you!"

"...Naruko? Why are you in my office?" she froze. That voice...was definitely the Old Man.

' _Oh for fucks sa- why the fuck is he still here? Wha-? The Old Man never stays here this long?'_

"...HENGE!" she panicked, and turned into...a very naked Hashirama Senju. Again.

' _Hey, you know what, if I got it, I gotta use it. It's not like I'm ever going to meet Hashirama Senju somewhere down the line.'_

"Oh my, Hashirama? Is that you?" The Hokage asked.

"Um. Yes. Obviously. Can you not see young Sarutobi?" Naruko coughed awkwardly.

"Oh yeah, totally. Listen, you have got to try some of this stuff." The Sandaime hurriedly offered him his pipe, with a smile.

"Uhh. Sarutobi? Are you...high?" The naked first Hokage asked. Could this possible get weirder?

"Oh yeah totally. I'm higher than...than….uhhhhh…" Silence. Silence fell, as the Hokage fell asleep.

"...Right then. I'll just. Take this scroll and um. Leave you to it. Have fun you old monkey."

' _WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?'_

And so she ran like a bat out of hell, not stopping until she made it to the specified clearing.

"Let's see what you can do for me, big-ass scroll."

The first thing she saw upon opening it was...clones.

"CLONES? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?"

"Fine, fine, let's just. Ugh. Let's just get this over with."

Multiple shouts of "Kage Bunshin" were scattered among the trees. As well as some other stuff like "SON OF A MOTHERFUCKING _BITCH_ THAT HURT!" or "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"

Meanwhile, Iruka was having, quite possibly the worst day of his life. Now, in the middle of the night, Mizuki knocks on his door, and tells him that his absolute knucklehead of a student committed a crime.

"Goddammit Naruko. You are possibly the _worst_ thing ever to happen to my blood pressure." He grunted out as he ran through the trees.

"One day of peace. Just. One. That's all I'm asking for." he approached the clearing where he saw Naruko looking worse for wear. Actually, that was an putting it very lightly. She looked like she got torn up up by an entire pack of rabid dogs.

"Hey Iruka-sensei!" she gave him an exhausted smile.

"Naruko, what the hell happened to you?"

"What happened to me? I passed the test that's what!" the blonde pumped her fist before collapsing back over the scroll.

"What...test?"

"The one Mizuki-sensei gave me? He said if I get the scroll and practice I could pass!"

"Oh shi-"

"Well, well, well, if isn't Iruka and the blonde brat." Mizuki said from behind him.

"Nah man, that's too cliche." Naruko replied.

"Seriously? I spent like 4 minutes coming up with that. Okay, lemme try again. Well, well, well, fancy meeting you all here?"

"Dull. Really dull."

"Oh come on. Fine. Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in."

"Kinda boring."

"Everyone's a critic. Ugh. Well, well, well, look who finally decided to show up."

"YAWN."

"FINE. Well, well, well, look if it isn't fancy meeting what the the cat finally decided to drag showed up."

"...Huh?"

"Just. Forget it. Give me that damn scroll."

"Don't do it! He used you to steal the scroll for himself!" Iruka shouted.

"What the fuck is going on?"

"Do you know why everyone hates you Naruko?" He asked with a sinister sneer.

"Cause they're whimps with no upper body strength? Also can we stop shouting?"

"BECAUSE YOU ARE THE NINE TAILED FOX." he said with maniacal glee.

Naruko's mouth fell open, as she stared at him in shock and horror.

"...Man what the fuck are you smoking? I have a...friend who might want some." She commented, thinking back to her encounter with the Hokage.

"What?"

"Nothin. Just. Let's commence the ass kicking." Forming a ram seal, the forest exploded with Naruko's.

Iruka closed his eyes and exhaled deeply.

"A forest _full_ of Naruko. This...This is my hell."

"You want death, bitch? Well COME GET IT!" All the clones charged at once.

The result was completely overkill. One Naruko was sufficient to knock Mizuki out. 200 however? Most didn't even get in on the action.

"...Yeah not gonna lie, that was really anti-climatic." She deadpanned.

"Naruko."

"I mean seriously it would've been cooler if like, you ended up with a giant shuriken in your back-"

"...Naruko?"

"-And then I cradle you dying in my arms, and _then_ kick his ass."

"Naruko!"

"And then you give me your headband, saying something like 'Make me proud' or 'You were the daughter I never had, mostly because I'm a giant prude'"

"NARUKO. WHAT THE HELL."

"Oh hey Iruka-sensei! When'd you get here?"

"Close your eyes you knucklehead." he sighed.

"Um. Okay." she felt her goggles being removed, and replaced by-

"No way! You can't give me your headband!"

"I can and I will. You've earned it Naruko. Make me proud." He said with a smile.

"...Annnd?" she gestured for him to continue.

"Seriously? Fine. You're the daughter I never had." he sighed. He supposed it were true, in all honesty.

" _Annnd?"_

"And you're pushing your luck, idiot. Besides, I think these totally suit me." He put on her goggles and adjusted them into place a few times. He gestured for her to follow him out of the forest, conveniently forgetting about the extremely injured Mizuki.

"It's about time I got rid of those. Seriously. I looked like a coal miner. I mean. A sexy coal miner, but still a fucking coal miner."

"LANGUAGE."

"Yeah, yeah. Did asshole back there really believe the whole Nine Tailed Fox thing?" she wondered idly.

"I don't think I'm allowed to say, Naruko. Sorry."

"It's fine, I already knew about ol'furball in my gut."

"What _?"_

"Come on dude, I grew up in the really fuckin' shanty district-"

"WHAT?"

"-the people there aren't super concerned with some vague-ass law. Plus the fox ain't the worse thing in the world, let's be real."

"... _What?"_

"I mean he's an asshole. But he's a wise asshole. So long as you never argue with him-"

"Wha-"

"The dude's got degrees in every possible field of philosophy you can think of."

"...I'm not even going to ask." Iruka said in a voice that could only be mustered by a man who had seen (or heard) too damn much. "I thought you lived close to the academy?"

"Nah, that place got burned down when I was 8."

"Right. We should probably go to the Hokage about this."

"...Actually, I think the Old Man's got enough on his mind right now."

* * *

She was prepared for some whispered skepticism. She could handle that, and would even encourage it.

But _this?_ This was out of hand.

"Hey! This place is only for people who passed." The youngest Inuzuka commented.

"Dog-breathe, for the love of some old lady crossing the street, a pair of mating rabbits, and all that is sane and holy, would you SIT DOWN, AND SHUT UP?"

Her palm met the desk the boy in question was sitting at, reducing it to splinters.

"ANYONE ELSE WANNA TAKE A CRACK AT ME?"

" ** _Calm yourself, young whippersnapper_** _."_ a cool, smooth voice rippled down her spine.

Her temper came to an immediate halt, turning instead to the demon lord, as she went to her assigned seat.

" _Ya wanna tell me where the hell you were all this time? The one goddamn time I actually neede-"_ Her angry tirade was cut short by the demon lord.

" ** _I was writing poetry, you insolent nincompoop_** _."_ the voice boomed back at her.

" _-yeah okay that's fair. I'll never get your weird-ass obsession with it."_

 **"** ** _Ah, would you like to hear some?_** **"**

" _NO."_

 **"** ** _Glad you're interested, 'As winter mornings come and go-"_**

And in that moment, she envied the Fourth Hokage. Or really, anyone who was dead. Sure dying sucks but it's better than demons the size of mountains reciting crappy poetry in your head. Her wallowing in misery was cut short, by an alternate source of misery. Why couldn't she have a cool tailed beast?

"NARUKO. GET OUT OF MY WAY."

"Oh fuck me, does this chair hold the key to eternal happiness or something?" The irritated blonde asked.

"Well...sorta" Oh.

 _Oh._ That seat was next to Sasuke Uchiha. The last loyal Uchiha. Duckass McEmo. He-Who-Has-The-Hokage-Monument-Stuffed-Where-The-Sun-Don't-Shine.

Well. This opportunity was _entirely_ too golden to pass up.

"Wow bubblegum, I knew that forehead of yours was thick, but this is something else. I mean could you _really_ have not noticed by now?" she asked with a grin that would scare any sane man.

"Noticed w-what?"

"Come on, a young, hormonal boy, has tons of chicks with absolutely no self respect-" she ignored the pinkettes growl "-flingin' themselves at him, and he doesn't act on it? At all?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Sakura pouted fearfully.

"Oh jeez do I have to spell it out for you? Either the Uchiha is a girl, which not gonna lie, would be pretty neat, or..."

She paused for dramatic effect

"He's gay. Hella gay, even." every fangirl, who was listening with rapt attention, felt their heart drop.

"NO!" several voices cried out.

"Not just gay, a lil twink." her grin only broadened

"Stop it!"

"Which is completely fine y'know, love is love. And if you love him so much, why don't you support his primal, instinctual attraction-"

Sakura was nearly in tears.

"-To Kiba." ignoring the extremely loud protest of the Inuzuka heir.

"SASUKE PLEASE SAY IT'S NOT TRUE!"

And that was it. That was the straw that broke the manic howler monkeys back.

Sasuke wanted to die.

' _No, I can't die. I must go on. Think of sweet, sweet, glorious, lightly fried, revenge. But I mean...death would be so easy. I could be freed from this hell. No. I am an Uchiha. An AVENGER. WILL I BECOME POWERFUL? YES. WILL I HAVE MY REVENGE? HELL YES. WILL I KILL ITACHI?'_

"YES!" Sasuke yelled, pounding his fists against the table.

'... _Okay not gonna lie, I totally didn't expect that. God damn this is a good day."_

"ATTENTION CLASS. Today, I assign you to your new three-man cell, and your jounin sensei. Team 1-"

Naruko, fully prepared to uphold the standards of Konoha immediately paid the required amount of attention to Iruka…

In that she pulled out a bunch of seeds and began playing with them.

Truly, Konoha was doomed.

* * *

Kakashi was currently running late. This was not overly shocking. But he was late to a meeting with the Sandaime. Which would most likely lead to a lecture on the will of fire, punctuality, the importance of newer generations, and whatever else he couldn't think of. He almost fell asleep thinking about it.

Surprisingly, Sarutobi asked that he visit him in a rather strange place. It was a small apartment complex directly across from a love hotel, two brothels, and an _extra_ special greenhouse.

Not exactly the type of place one would expect the God of Shinobi to frequent, but stranger things have happened.

"Hokage-sama, I apologize for being late-"

"Do not worry Kakashi, I factored in your usual tardiness. I myself only just arrived."

Well ouch.

"So...where is this place? _What_ is this place."

"This 'place' is the home of your future student." Hiruzen stated quite obviously.

Kakashi, having experience in dealing with the subtleties of language of superiors, noted the thinly veiled demand behind the Hokage's words

"Wow. The Uchiha mansion sure looks different."

"Amusing. Very amusing. This home belongs to Naruko Uzumaki."

Kakashi's visible eye dilated slightly.

"Sensei's kid? Why is she living _here_?"

"That would be because she chooses to. Well, than and because here other apartments have all mysteriously burned down."

That left a bitter taste in both of their mouths.

"I see. Is there something you want to show me?" Kakashi stood at attention.

"Yes actually, this little book here." The aged Hokage gestured to a small leather-bound notebook that laid on a small table. "Please, look into it. I'm sure you may find it's contents interesting."

The cyclops lazily opened the book, to see a very detailed database on nearly every single shinobi in the village.

"Itachi, Danzo, _me_ , Orochimaru..." he called out a few random names on the pages. "This is a list of every living powerful shinobi the village has produced."

"Not just our village, and certainly not just the living. Flip to the back."

"...The Senju brothers, Madara, Ōnoki and….sensei. Hokage-sama, what does this all mean?"

"That book, contains every single shinobi that Naruko intends to surpass."

"...I see. Quite an undertaking she has there. However, I do have one question."

The Hokage gestured for him to continue.

"Why am I so low down on the list? I mean, she put _Gai_ over me."

The old man smiled at Kakashi's antics.

"Naruko is under the impression that you, talented are as she rightfully believes you to be," Kakashi felt his chest swell.

"-are entirely too lazy to be taken seriously." and promptly collapse into a raisin.

"Gai has spent no small amount of time training her along with his...apprentice. Much of her grand perseverance comes from the lessons that Gai has taught her. She truly is an inheritor of the Will of Fi-"

"Me? _Lazy?_ I mean, sure I like to mess with people's schedules, but plain old _lazy?_ I better go pop that little bubble of hers-"

"Kakashi. That young lady has inherited the Will of Fire in a truly special way." Oh god, not this again.

"If you do not respect her strengths, she _will_ burn you to a crisp." the Sandaime said, wiping his smile momentarily.

Oh. Well. That was new.

"Now by my calculations, you are now exactly 2 hours late. Think you should pick up your team now?" Sarutobi suggested with a grin.

* * *

The future members of team seven were reasonably bored, justifiably pissed, and disproportionately antsy.

"Two motherfucking hours. And the white haired bastard has yet to show himself. When I see him, his other eyeball is gonna be gone as well." the hyperactive blonde muttered, in attempt to keep herself from smashing something.

A gust of wind followed by a pop signified the arrival of their jounin sensei.

"Yo, team seven-"

"RAAAAAAAGH! I'M GONNA KILL YOU, YOU PALE-FACED ONE-EYED MOTHERFU-"

The blonde launched herself, in attempt to bodyslam him. Figuring he'd humor her, he let himself get tackled.

Bad idea.

As he hit the ground, his pupil became the size of a grain of sand, as he got the wind knocked out of him.

' _DAMN THAT HURT. WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY FEEDING THIS LUNATIC?'_

As quickly as he could, he shakily stood up, supporting himself on his knees, and sucking in air.

"Oh. Whoops. Sorry buddy, I thought you'd dodge that." Naruko sheepishly chuckled, patting him on the back awkwardly.

"My...first impression...is." he coughed. "I _really_ hate you." he managed to say between wheezes.

Sakura wanted to yell at the man for his tardiness, but given the state he was in...she'd let it slide. Truly, no one deserved to suffer his pain.

"Meet me...on the roof. Five minutes." Standing up completely to perform a shunshin, he heard every vertebrae in his spine pop violently.

The three who remained in the room looked at each other.

"How about we...don't mention this to anyone, and I don't get arrested for assault and battery!" The bubbly Uzumaki said with a overly sweet smile, and tightly clenched fists.

"...Good call."

Kakashi watched his 'team' arrive. So far, he had yet to be impressed with the other two, and yet to have any fondness for the blonde.

"Okay! So now that we're all here, why don't we get some introductions out of the way! Likes, dislikes, dreams, hobbies, that sorta thing."

"Ooh, bubblegum would be _really_ good at that! She has yet to ever keep her mouth shut!" Naruko cheered excitedly.

"Shut up NARUKO-BAKA"

"...Right, how about I go first. I'm Hatake Kakashi! I like things that I like and i dislike things that I don't like. That or being body slammed by blondes." Naruko gave a grimace. "My dreams are mostly at night, and my hobbies...well. You aren't prepared for that. How about you go next...ah, what was it. Oh right! Bubblegum!" Sakura suppressed a growl

"My name is Haruno Sakura, I like…" a blush and a glance at Sasuke. "My dreams for the future are…" a blush and a glance at Sasuke. "I hate Naruko! And Ino-pig."

' _Sheesh, a fangirl. Just my luck_ '

"You there, broody."

"My name is Sasuke Uchiha, I don't particularly like anything, I hate everything, and my...ambition...is to kill a man and restore my clan."

' _He's so cool!'_

"That's gonna be tricky to do with Kiba, y'know?"

Kakashi snorted.

"You there with the anger issues, you're next." he called out.

"Right so this has been a trainwreck so far, just sayin. I'm Naruko Uzumaki, and I'm the bitch who runs this place." Kakashi sweat dropped.

"I fuckin' love trees. And fighting with our native green-wildlife," Kakashi snickered at the reference to Gai. "I hate dumbasses, emo-asses, and other manners of asses."

"My dream? My dream is to kick a _ton_ of ass, and take a ton of names. That good enough for ya?"

' _So in summary, I've got a fangirl, an avenger, and...whatever the hell Naruko is. Perfect.'_

"Alright, meet me at training ground 7 tomorrow. Don't eat breakfast or you'll throw up!" With an eye-smile, Kakashi poofed off, probably to get his ribs checked.

Naruko immediately broke off from her team to find training ground 7.

Somehow, she had heard " _Camp out in the field, and bring a fuckton of ramen with you."_

Sasuke and Sakura walked into the desolate field.

"Ugh, not only is Kakashi-sensei late, but also Naruko-baka?"

Sasuke Hn'ed in agreement.

"Actually, I'm right here." The jounin made himself known from the tree above them. "Where _is_ your teammate, I wonder."

Some shuffling from a nearby bush, mixed in with some creative swearing and out popped an Uzumaki. Wearing a sleeping mask.

"I'm HERE! OVER HE- OOF" Annnd she ran straight into a tree.

"You rang?" her muffled voice called out, as she peeled herself from the bark.

"...Right. So that just happened. Anyways, I have a little test for you, my cute little genin. If you fail, you'll be sent back to the academy!"

"WHAT?" the pink haired kunoichi screamed. Heartily ignoring her, the jounin continued.

"So I have these two little bells here, you have two hours to get them from me before the timer sounds. If you don't get a bell...well. You don't get lunch. Instead you get this delightful little log to be tied to!" he eye-smiled broadly.

"That's….pretty kinky." the blonde deadpanned. "Not gonna lie, if you showed me the rest of your face and were a lil bit more on the feminine side, I'd be pretty turned on right now."

"NARUKO-BAKA! YOU DON'T SAY THINGS LIKE THAT." Sakura's complexion managed to surpass her hair, for a brief moment.

"Hey I'm just being honest! Besides, Kakashi is not even my type."

It was decided Kakashi liked her. Why couldn't more cute little genin be like her?

"Anyways! Use whatever you can, lethal force is highly recommended, and that's pretty much it! Start on my signal!"

When the signal was given, two of the genin quickly vanished into the trees, leaving Naruko to stare down her sensei.

"Something about you...and this damn test smells a little fishy." she grumbled.

"Could be the sushi I had for breakfast." he supplied helpfully.

"...whatever, I don't like you." With that said, she launched herself at him once more.

' _That trick isn't going to work twice, Naruko.'_ He thought.

She brought her fist downwards, and when it hit the ground, the earth around it shattered.

Kakashi was momentarily dumbfounded.

' _Well, I suppose I reaaaally shouldn't let one of those touch me.'_

Reaching into his kunai pouch, he pulled out…

...a book.

An orange book.

"...What the fuck are you doing?" he heard the Uzumaki ask.

"Well obviously, I'm reading!"

"You're...reading...okay. Mind sharing?"

Scratch that, it was decided Kakashi _loved_ Naruko.

"Of course my cute little genin, here's a copy just for you!" Really, what better way was there to bond with your students than this?

Sha strolled to the jounin and caught the book.

And she started reading it.

Her eyebrows collapsed inwards.

"This...This is a bunch of porn. In a book."

"Well actually, it's a romanc-"

"WHAT THE HELL MAN YOU READ THIS SHIT IN PUBLIC?" she threw a side kick at him, which he avoided by substituting himself with a log.

A log that was now turned to splinters. Where did that log come from? A mystery.

"Well, I notice you have yet to put it down." he eye-smiled at here.

"I mean...it's not the _worst_ thing I've ever read."

"Anyways, I suppose I should start you off with lesson 1: Taijutsu," challenging a girl with super strength trained by Gai to a taijutsu battle. Kakashi admitted this to not be his brightest idea ever.

They wove into each others guards with a flurry of kicks, joint locks, more kicks, and never once using their hands.

Because those hands had better things to do.

Like holding books. Very important books.

"Hmmm, you're good for now. I think it's time I go check on my two other rays of sunshine." He said, preparing a body flicker. Very conveniently missing another tackle, as the blonde reached for his bells.

"Goddammit. I missed him." Forming a ram seal, she spawned a mini army of Narukos. "ALRIGHT BITCHES, WE GOT A ONE-EYED PERV TO FIND. SPREAD OUT."

In the distance, she saw a fireball followed by a cloud of dust. Playing it safe, she sent a few clones to scout ahead, all of which were destroyed.

Then, she heard a scream.

"That voice, at that pitch? Definitely Sakura."

Arriving at the scene, she saw an unconscious female, and a beheaded Sasuke.

"I swear, this day is WONDERFUL. THEY'RE DEAD. FINA-"

"Shut up, idiot."

"Dude, what the fuck happened to your body. I mean I get that you're useless if not for your eyes but...really? This is pushing it."

"SHUT UP! YOU KNOW NOTHING OF MY CLAN."

"Whatever you say dude. Want some help?"

"NO."

So much for that.

"Look, it'll be easier to find him if we team up to-"

And then that alarm sounded.

"-find...him." Naruko facepalmed.

A flash later, and all three genin were unconscious.

When they stirred, Naruko noticed something...a tiny bit odd.

"HEY WHAT THE FUCK? WHY AM I TIED TO THIS STUPID LOG?"

"Because the three of you, are collectively whats commonly referred to as a laughing stock, Naruko."

"But sensei! We did everything we could!" came the voice of that young Haruno.

"Sakura, a D-ranked genjutsu put you down for the count. Your best needs to be...better. Sasuke, your failure to think in the team's best interest lead to your downfall. And Naruko…" he turned to where he last left her, tied to a stump, only to notice she was gone.

And the stump was gone too.

"Oh sorry what were you saying?" her voice called down from...a flagpole. Naruko was standing on a flagpole. While tied to a stump.

"...Naruko, I truly mean this from the bottom of my heart... _what the fuck?_

Her teammates shared the same sentiment.

"Sorry, I saw a bunch of butterflies! So I followed them up here! Aren't they pretty?

He sweat-dropped.

"Well you all fail, however I have strict orders to pass you, mind you, this is not because I _want to_ , or even slightly believe you to be ready. But I'll whip you up into shape." Kakashi said, much to Sakura's delight, Sasuke's very mild relief (though masked completely by indifference), and Naruko's-

"Dude. That _super_ kinky."

He almost wept. She could infuriate anyone.

He loved that little brat.  
_

 ** _Eyyy so this is a thing I'm working on I guess. Fave, review, all that good stuff. And constructive criticism would be great. Also I typed this while injecting caffeine into my blood stream so like. If you find a shit-ton of mistakes, be a lad and point'em out._**


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